The Asian Marriage Epidemic

Why are so many British Asians still single in their 30s? Do we no longer believe in the constitution of marriage? Or are we simply too picky? Are all the Asian men opting to marry non-Asian girls, or heading back to their motherland for a bride?

Finding the right marriage partner seems to be an issue in most Asian households today. Let’s dissect the problem and discuss some of the issues surrounding this ‘Epidemic’ in the Asian community.

Why am I still single?

AS a British Asian female in my 30s, with many friends still single, I have to ask myself why is this happening? Are my friends and I not marriage material? Have we become too demanding or is it simply that we have decided not to settle for ‘just any guy’?

Hmm… we are all pretty, intelligent and well-educated professionals. All qualities I would have thought all would make for excellent marriage material. Or, is this in fact the problem? Do Asian guys just want someone who will cook and clean for them, making today’s modern women not fit the bill? Overqualified in the independence and education categories, and under-qualified in the handi roti (curry and chapatti). They don’t need a girl who comes with a degree and a private health package from her multinational when a rolling pin and some atta (flour) in the dowry will do. So are the men folk to blame?

Ladies, do you ever wonder where are all the eligible guys? Well, it sometimes seems that all of them are running back home (you know, the pind, our desh) to find a Barbie doll packaged nicely with a rolling pin and all the necessary skills to feed and mother her husband.

Is the British Asian man looking for a replacement for his mother? ‘Since mum was born and brought up in the pind then that’s where I should go for the replacement?’ Let me tell you a classic scenario which sums up this issue. A friend who has recently qualified as a solicitor was summoned by his dad for a chat… THE CHAT. ‘Beta (son) now that you are qualified I think it’s time you thought about settling down’. Beta, of course, agrees. Dad asks, ‘so Beta what sort of girl do you want to get married to?’ To which beta answers ‘Well dad, ideally I would like to get married to someone from the UK who is also a working professional’. So far so good, I know lots of suitable girls! However, dad shakes his head in disapproval. ‘Beta do you not know the girls in this country? They cannot look after their husband. They take the son away from the family and make the husband cook and clean. Do you want to cook and clean after you get married?’ At this beta gets worried and shakes his head. ‘Well then Beta, I suggest you come back to the desh with me and I will find you a nice wife’. Beta agrees, and dad of course is happy. Next, dad leans back and looks thoughtful. ‘I worry son, what to do with your sister, she is 32, has a good job, why can’t we find a rishta for her? Are there no eligible boys in the UK?’ …. Need I say more here?

Let’s not just attack the Asian men here. Let us ponder the other side of the equation. Are the ladies of today just too picky? Are they all going around with a checklist; house, car, professional career, caste, not living with parents etc etc? And inevitably when the boxes don’t get ticked the poor bloke doesn’t stand chance. Do we ladies think to ourselves: ‘Well, we have done well for ourselves, so why shouldn’t we marry someone with the full package (we are talking about salary here people – minds out of the gutter); someone who fits my criteria? Are we basically looking for the male equivalent of ourselves? Are we shooting ourselves in the well manicured foot with all our demands?

The Real Issue.

YES, there are issues with high demands, as well as confusion over what we are really looking for. And it probably doesn’t help with parents taking their children to their homeland to import partners. However, in my experience the constitution of marriage is still as strong as I remember it being when I was a little girl within the British Asian communities of today. We want to get married, we want to settle down. So, where is the problem? The issue seems to me to be a lack of scenarios where you can meet eligible bachelors or bachelorettes. What are the options for the British Asians of today? Go to single events which force upon you a situation where no one is comfortable? Log on to the internet where you have to sieve through the people who are there to just mess about? Hang out at a club even if it’s not your scene? Or hope that some auntiji recommends someone (which doesn’t happen very often these days) to your famil,y so you can sit with them in your front room with the rest of the khandan asking ‘ladkha pasand aya?’ after five minutes of chatting?

Most people I know just want to meet someone in a natural setting and spend some time to get to know them and then make a decision. So where can we find this natural setting? Where is the safe and respectful environment where you can just mingle? Where are the community events, mosque gurdwara and mandir socials which encourage the whole family to come along and mix with other Asians? Why are the opposite sexes not encouraged to socialise and meet one another in a safe family environment? Do such events not encourage union in the community? Why are people not recommending rishatas anymore? What has become of the community? Where are our religious institutions? Is marriage not a vital part of our religion? Should our religious institutions and the community not do more? I leave you with these questions, and many more. The epidemic of marriage, or the lack of it, is the real issue in our community. Let’s do something to help our brothers and sisters find the right partner in a safe and respectful way.